The Cat Laser

Going to pick up the prescription refills I am informed to bring paper towels, popcorn, and some cat toys. CVS should cover those bases, I reassured my tired self. I found the last cat laser and knew this would keep Hope and Yukio busy and entertained. The joy and fascination of them both was the best part of the hectic day. I can't begin to describe how big both our smiles were. It's always worth it to see him smile. I hope they play with that all day today, I really do. Laughter is one of the best medicines.

This made me realize the importance of my job as a caregiver. Not only to provide care for someone who can't care for themselves, but also love and happiness. I love that fucking laser and cat. Best decisions made. Another decision that brings much relief was shutting down Facebook and Instagram (because I'm a sociopath apparently, remember? lol). It was interesting and awkward at first to not see EVERYTHING and "be in the loop". However, it feels about 100x times better to be out of a toxic environment. An environment where cheap, cryptic shots are taken at me; It's all shit no matter how you slice it. Why talk about it then? Because I am human in this situation too, and it is unacceptable how certain situations have been handled.

One of Yukio's dearest friends from the Subaru club created a really awesome website for him. There, I will be posting weekly/bi weekly updates and short videos on Yukio's recovery. I am so happy to say that he has had a good 4 weeks with a new found sense of motivation. We are also starting a video project with some talented videographers showcasing what life is like after stroke. It will give Yukio a chance to express himself and show his story, especially since it was never my place to tell it.

I hope what can be taken away from this project is that a stroke doesn't care who you are, what you do, or what your plans were. One as devastating as Yukio's, ripped him from the fabric of his life and tossed it upside down. He is a survivor, not a statistic, and I can't wait to give Yukio the chance to show a small slice into his beautiful road recovery. One of the last conversations I had with Yukio, I told him "life is not black and white, it is colorful. It is beautiful". He now lives that every day.

FD IRW

Well, we did it. Yukio had a goal to make it for Irwindale and he achieved his goal. In the beginning, his condition was horrendous and heartbreaking. Someone had visited him early on and said he was happy and doing great, which was farthest thing from the truth. He was 99% dependent and could barely say yes or no. Fast forward to 5 months later, he is smiley (no more facial droop yay!) vibrant and embracing life. Words can't describe how proud I am of how far he came. The original prognosis was a minimum of 6 months in a rehabilitation facility. He completely smashed the expectations. He went from having less independence than a one year old to being able to feed his new cat on his own. For a stroke patient, this is equivalent to training and completing a half marathon.

From the darkest pits of depression, to letting everyone know he is "doing fine". The day before was a reunion for the rehab at Company of Mary. One of the best rehabs in the country, we shared our story amongst other survivors and their families. His therapists and nurses were so amazed to see how he was progressing and wished us well. We are looking forward to outpatient there, wouldn't go anywhere else.

Despite the record breaking heat, we managed to go around the paddock twice with one of Yukio's closest friend. I know there are handfuls of people we were unable to see, but I tried to bring him everywhere. About 4 hours in, he realized that he wouldn't make it the whole night and preferred to get a burrito instead. We ended up at curry house, go figure!

Although I know I am not very welcome, it was not as bad as I thought. Only two or three people were cold or nasty, but not as bad as anticipated. I realized for every one negative and ignorant person, there are three or four friends that were very supportive. It was then I realized that is how you have to view life; focus on the positive. You attract what you put out there, karma comes around, so always find the light. My focus right now is creating a cushy life and stable recovery for my best friend. For now, the battle continues with insurance hurdles and a constant flow of therapy. His speech has dramatically improved the past few weeks, so much so that he has learned to tell me what he wants; cable.

He even told me he wants HBO and 200+ channels. Anything for you, my love.

9-28-15 Dear Blogger

This weekend was a little more restful than most. We had few visitors come over to spend time with Yukio for a bit and some people come over to talk about our big project that we are going to start creating soon.

Oddly enough, I really enjoy being at work, like to the point where I look forward to coming back after the weekend. I've started a kick boxing class to get my stress out and even decided on going to a concert in December as a Christmas gift to myself . These things make me feel selfish; backwards, I know. I hear it all the time "take care of yourself", but when I decide to do so, I get criticized for it. Solution? In the words of the great Dillon Francis; IDGAFOS.

Like I said in the last post, I have started to like myself again. Over the last year or so I have definitely lost myself a bit. It's odd that during such a confusing and scary time, I found myself and my voice again. While so many tend to relish in the shit pile, I get told that I can't stand up for myself. Out of all the documents I have signed over the past 4.5 months, not one has said that I have to cater to anyone but my partner. Not one document has ever said I have to validate myself to anyone. I do the very best I can with no help (myself being the only person to handle the bulk of things) and for being 24. I am still growing and learning life. One thing that I have learned, is that you can only count on one hand those who truly have your back always.

So are there any other young caregivers such as myself in a parallel or similar situation? In the sense that we are young and taking care of our partners? I'd like to hear stories of how you guys get through the challenges, take care of yourselves, and just everything in general. Again, broken record here, does anyone feel guilty for making yourselves happy? When you buy a nice blouse or the newest Two Faced bronzer, does anyone feel like it's not deserved? I hope this sounding board can comfort someone in knowing that they are not alone in this difficult battle.