The Cat Laser

Going to pick up the prescription refills I am informed to bring paper towels, popcorn, and some cat toys. CVS should cover those bases, I reassured my tired self. I found the last cat laser and knew this would keep Hope and Yukio busy and entertained. The joy and fascination of them both was the best part of the hectic day. I can't begin to describe how big both our smiles were. It's always worth it to see him smile. I hope they play with that all day today, I really do. Laughter is one of the best medicines.

This made me realize the importance of my job as a caregiver. Not only to provide care for someone who can't care for themselves, but also love and happiness. I love that fucking laser and cat. Best decisions made. Another decision that brings much relief was shutting down Facebook and Instagram (because I'm a sociopath apparently, remember? lol). It was interesting and awkward at first to not see EVERYTHING and "be in the loop". However, it feels about 100x times better to be out of a toxic environment. An environment where cheap, cryptic shots are taken at me; It's all shit no matter how you slice it. Why talk about it then? Because I am human in this situation too, and it is unacceptable how certain situations have been handled.

One of Yukio's dearest friends from the Subaru club created a really awesome website for him. There, I will be posting weekly/bi weekly updates and short videos on Yukio's recovery. I am so happy to say that he has had a good 4 weeks with a new found sense of motivation. We are also starting a video project with some talented videographers showcasing what life is like after stroke. It will give Yukio a chance to express himself and show his story, especially since it was never my place to tell it.

I hope what can be taken away from this project is that a stroke doesn't care who you are, what you do, or what your plans were. One as devastating as Yukio's, ripped him from the fabric of his life and tossed it upside down. He is a survivor, not a statistic, and I can't wait to give Yukio the chance to show a small slice into his beautiful road recovery. One of the last conversations I had with Yukio, I told him "life is not black and white, it is colorful. It is beautiful". He now lives that every day.

9-28-15 Dear Blogger

This weekend was a little more restful than most. We had few visitors come over to spend time with Yukio for a bit and some people come over to talk about our big project that we are going to start creating soon.

Oddly enough, I really enjoy being at work, like to the point where I look forward to coming back after the weekend. I've started a kick boxing class to get my stress out and even decided on going to a concert in December as a Christmas gift to myself . These things make me feel selfish; backwards, I know. I hear it all the time "take care of yourself", but when I decide to do so, I get criticized for it. Solution? In the words of the great Dillon Francis; IDGAFOS.

Like I said in the last post, I have started to like myself again. Over the last year or so I have definitely lost myself a bit. It's odd that during such a confusing and scary time, I found myself and my voice again. While so many tend to relish in the shit pile, I get told that I can't stand up for myself. Out of all the documents I have signed over the past 4.5 months, not one has said that I have to cater to anyone but my partner. Not one document has ever said I have to validate myself to anyone. I do the very best I can with no help (myself being the only person to handle the bulk of things) and for being 24. I am still growing and learning life. One thing that I have learned, is that you can only count on one hand those who truly have your back always.

So are there any other young caregivers such as myself in a parallel or similar situation? In the sense that we are young and taking care of our partners? I'd like to hear stories of how you guys get through the challenges, take care of yourselves, and just everything in general. Again, broken record here, does anyone feel guilty for making yourselves happy? When you buy a nice blouse or the newest Two Faced bronzer, does anyone feel like it's not deserved? I hope this sounding board can comfort someone in knowing that they are not alone in this difficult battle.