9-28-15 Dear Blogger

This weekend was a little more restful than most. We had few visitors come over to spend time with Yukio for a bit and some people come over to talk about our big project that we are going to start creating soon.

Oddly enough, I really enjoy being at work, like to the point where I look forward to coming back after the weekend. I've started a kick boxing class to get my stress out and even decided on going to a concert in December as a Christmas gift to myself . These things make me feel selfish; backwards, I know. I hear it all the time "take care of yourself", but when I decide to do so, I get criticized for it. Solution? In the words of the great Dillon Francis; IDGAFOS.

Like I said in the last post, I have started to like myself again. Over the last year or so I have definitely lost myself a bit. It's odd that during such a confusing and scary time, I found myself and my voice again. While so many tend to relish in the shit pile, I get told that I can't stand up for myself. Out of all the documents I have signed over the past 4.5 months, not one has said that I have to cater to anyone but my partner. Not one document has ever said I have to validate myself to anyone. I do the very best I can with no help (myself being the only person to handle the bulk of things) and for being 24. I am still growing and learning life. One thing that I have learned, is that you can only count on one hand those who truly have your back always.

So are there any other young caregivers such as myself in a parallel or similar situation? In the sense that we are young and taking care of our partners? I'd like to hear stories of how you guys get through the challenges, take care of yourselves, and just everything in general. Again, broken record here, does anyone feel guilty for making yourselves happy? When you buy a nice blouse or the newest Two Faced bronzer, does anyone feel like it's not deserved? I hope this sounding board can comfort someone in knowing that they are not alone in this difficult battle.

Just Tired.

With everything going, I like maybe I should be writing everything down. Up until Yukio came home, I didn't want to post about the shit I had to deal with because it was heavy stuff. I will say, some of Yukio's "friends" turned out to be complete pieces of shit and try to tear me down with spreading the bad times that we had in our relationship to try and make ME look bad. Congratulations! You just made Yukio look bad also, good job being a "friend".


In all honesty, I did feel really sorry for myself in the beginning. I was depressed, I was alone, and I had more than what I've told few going on. I've heard and had people ask when Yukio was going to recover because they need a turbo for their SEMA build. Fuck you all and your worthless cars. The hardest thing for myself is that I am a very private person. Yukio loved being public, so now everyone feels a sense of ownership and entitlement to every little detail of his health. I promise you all, I will not give that to you, especially not publicly.


It is a problem when someone unrelated by blood takes legal power of someone. I needed to step in the way I have because nothing was getting done for Yukio and I was raised to not just sit on the sidelines. The whole situation is very sad, especially since he does have a willing and able brother. Unfortunately, dedicating his life or even being around, or even texting me once in a blue moon is wishful thinking on my end. I had a little chat with him last night and hopefully that will make him realize that sometimes being emotionally involved is better than the logistics of things.


Surprisingly, I seem to be thriving under pressure and been taking good care of myself. I have been juicing, eating healthy, and taking my vitamins. All this has been making me loose weight, which makes me extra happy! I would love to work out to actually look better, but there are literally not enough hours in the day. Maybe one day. I am also lucky to have my best friend Katrina who has been supportive to me through thick and thin. Everyone along the way has also helped and been good pillars to lean on, which I love you all for.


My biggest challenge now is to keep on top of the caregivers. They are all really sweet, but one messed up a dose of medicine, another has a suspended driver's license and couldn't take Yukio to the doctors, and the one we really liked is not comfortable because she is so tiny. Oh, and the first two like to eat my food and not bring their lunch. This all may seem like bitching and moaning, but trust me, at 24 years old, I didn't expect to be so responsible and such a hard ass. However, someone has to.


I am hoping that things get settled soon, I really do enjoy having Yukio back home with me, although it is extremely tiring. I love seeing him happy, his smile makes my days worth it.


Again, I do not feel like I need to disclose more than the good times, so enjoy what I write, and we are looking forward to seeing some of you back on the track one day.

Welcome Back

It feels weird to be back behind the keyboard writing on this. I know a lot of you have flocked to my blog to see if there were any updates regarding Yukio's condition. The past few months have been incredibly challenging, but have matured me into a responsible adult. I want to set the record straight on a few things, but I just am not sure it is quite time to.


What many of you need to understand is that in all reality, Yukio's medical condition is none of anyone's business. This is not an "industry thing" not a "oh, am I cool enough to visit" type deal. This is a human being who is ill. Some people have gone as far as to ask when he is coming back to work so your stupid projects can get a turbo; a week after his stroke. I hope all of you who fall into that category feel the disgust I have for you and hope we never cross paths in person.


Yukio chose to have a very public life, and now I am giving him what he has needed; privacy. Yes, I brought him home and he is starting to improve faster. Right now, I do enjoy sharing some of our good moments in the privacy of our home. He is happy, improving slowly, and we take life day by day. I do not plan on making public much besides that, especially the extent of his injuries and general health.


I have been, from the start, taking care of everything. I am his medical power of attorney and legal guardian, so I am the point of contact when it comes to medical information and treatment. This is how it has been since day one and I just wanted to clear that up. It was only a few weeks ago we had the official paperwork executed with two witnesses. I also want to address the whole Turbo by Garrett/Workman's Comp/Cigna questions people ask and want to answer; it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What Honeywell has to do, they are doing, what Cigna has to do, they are doing. I have heard many things from people that assume what is going on because "oh well Honeywell is a big company". Don't worry about, not your place to know any of that information.


I will continue as much as I can to update from my perspective as his guardian and how my life is. Every day is a challenge that I accept with open arms and hopefully handle gracefully. Handful of people don't like me for what they think they know and that's okay. Hi, hello, keep letting it dig in your mind that I am not going anywhere. Eventually one day I will set the record straight, but that won't be for a long time.

Adam VS Eve

I felt compelled to write at pm at night after about 3 hours in a marketing class. But when inspiration hits, you just have to run with it. 

On Facebook, there is a female empower/group thing that I was added to long ago. It was neat getting to see fellow female automotive enthusiast in the area and connect with them on there. Eventually, as I assumed, it turned very cliqueish, like the girls I did not get along with in High School for being a Drift nut. I noticed very slowly the focus became more of a "women against men in the industry" kind of feel to it. To me, it just was weird and did not feel right. I have had my fair share of difficult times in the industry, but I never really took too much emphasis on the fact that it came from males.

I guess I didn't care? Seeing as I was responsible for my own actions and how I came off to people, and the fact I've always been one of the youngest, that was how I was going to be treated. Again, I never felt like it was focused on the fact that I don't have a peen. 

I don't understand these women that really aren't anything much in the industry, or performance oriented that get so offended or post ridiculous anti male/pro female propaganda. Hello?! This is a MALE DOMINATED industry, and that isn't going to change any time soon. Why do you think the few women in power now are considered "bitches" and are tough as fucking nails? Because they don't sit around and complain that men could possibly be "intimidated" by us, or anything of that sort. No. They are busy getting shit done and biting the bullet. That is the type of woman I want to become.

I started this Drift Bunny project to really have a meaning, to have a purpose. Her purpose is to stand for who we are, male or female. To be against the status quo in the strongest and more positive way. I would like to hope and think that I am helping to pave the way for female photojournalists out there or young women who want to do what I do in this industry.

I have been around for 9 years now, and never once really ever have to be so defensive for being female. Unfortunately, women majority of the time are materialized due to the model scene. But hey, models make the industry go round, and if you want to be treated with more respect that just a piece of meat, then you need to earn it. Again, 9 years. This will be my 6th year photographing and covering events. 6 years of being the Drift Bunny with the bow on my head and great articles. 6 years of proving myself that I am more than just an object, and guess what girl? I am STILL proving myself, and I know my journey is just beginning.

I feel like these stupid pages that turn into mean girl cliques, with bone stock luxury cars and expensive manicures is fine and dandy. But I wish they would be toned down, because it is pages and things like those that really make us look bad. Offended? Good. I live with a very respected member of this industry, and he does not pout when shit does not go his way.

  

One Week Detox

It has been one week on this detox/vegan journey. It feels nice to be putting my energy into something positive for myself.

So far I have experienced headaches, light fever, and dizziness. Yes, I have gone to the bathroom more, I have been striving for about a gallon of water to help my body flush the toxins out. This past weekend I was at Boost Fest in Arizona, which happened to be about 10 minutes away from my favorite Vegan café, Pomegranate Café. I managed to keep on my diet until we went to dinner. I couldn't resist, and few pieces of red meat. I did not finish it, and it did make me a little bloated, and well, gassy. HAHA.

My boyfriend had a piece of chocolate cake and asked if I wanted some. To my surprise, I just had zero interest in it, which felt good to turn it away. This whole week I have cut out all processed junk and although I can feel my body still cleaning itself, I do feel better. Oddly enough, I cannot sleep not because I am uncomfortable, but I feel super energized. When I wake up, I feel good and refreshed, no longer drinking coffee.

Today I had a light day. Green juiced fruits and veggies from the donut shop up the street, kale salad, and lentil bean soup. I feel a bit sick again right now, but I am powering through it. Just like I already knew, stress is a trigger for me to eat, it is my vice. My boyfriend is out of town for the PRI Show in Indianapolis for the week. I do miss him, even though he space is good and needed, I can't help but feel the cravings once I let the feeling of being home alone get to me. I reach for my gallon, do some work, and that does the trick.

My pants fit better, and I noticed that my face isn't so puffy. This week I am going to add exercise into the mix with no pre workout and see how my body takes it. Today I registered as a full time student at the local CC to finish my Associates program. February is going to be busy and once the racing season starts, I know things will be crazy. I want this healthy routine to be established before the fun starts so I have total control.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and interested in my journey! Everyone has one, I love sharing mine.

On a Tuesday

I wanted to keep a journal this time around with my transition to my new diet to compare how things went last time and this time around.

To clarify with some comments I received, NO, this is not a thyroid condition as few have suggested. As some may remember, I had an intense workout routine. I have since stopped when I moved to Redondo Beach. This and eating "regular" processed food has obviously caused my body to gain some weight. Not out of control, but obviously not taking care of myself has these side effects.

Yesterday was day one. I didn't notice anything until lunch time. I had all veggie burrito (wheat tortilla); my head and throat became very warm along with my tongue. Last night, I ate lentil soup made with unsalted veggie broth with vegan beef tacos. My stomach was not in any pain like it usually was, and the food felt "light", not weighed down in my stomach. I slept better and woke up feeling refreshed. Throughout the day I drank a gallon of water and took a plan based iron supplement before bed.

This morning, I didn't feel like I needed coffee and so far so good. I had lentil soup, while wheat toast, and fruits. Along with this, I have been drinking my gallon of water goal throughout yesterday and today. The only thing I am experiencing is a light headed and dizzy sensation, I feel like I am spinning in a circle. After doing some research on the good old interwebs, it appears my body is in shock and detoxing.

So quickly? Yes. I am not surprised, really. I have been eating like total shit especially since I got back from SEMA. Too much red meat and heavy white starches. In a way, I feel sad that I have neglected myself to the point where my body is so confused after a day. I hope to control my stress through meditation and returning to yoga.

Tonight, I am planning on having 100% vegan pizza for a treat for this awful spinning. I know it will only get more difficult, but from what I remember the first time, it only lasts about 5 days. I hope you all enjoy reading this journey though my perspective!

Take 2

It has been about a year since I transitioned back to "regular eating" from vegan. Weight gain is about all the change I thought I was going through until recently. Before I went vegan, I developed these skin rashes that I thought were from stress. Turns out, I have psoriasis. I have always been in good health, but now things are getting scary. I have been developing bruises on my hands and chest without any injury to that area. Recently, I have had ZERO energy and can sleep all day and night if I had the option. I am highly anemic and it is very frightening how quickly a year can dramatically effect your health.

The biggest thing that scares me is that kidney disease runs in my family. My father lost his kidneys nearly overnight without feeling anything, and my mother was the donor. The past year has been difficult in many aspects, and I let my health suffer as a result. I am sick now because of negligence and this needs to change.

I remember catching shit for being a vegan at the time, but that was the healthiest point of my entire life; contrary to what others may feel is "healthy". My psoriasis was non existent, I had plenty of vitamins (especially iron) and I could "feel" my organs being at full function. I have decided to try and maintain as close to a vegan eating habit as possible. Despite the teasing and negative comments, I have to do it for my health.
 
Feeling as sick as I do most of the day can't be healthy, so I am looking forward to undergoing the detox that will make  e feel like total shit even more to get myself to 100%. People like my boyfriend think it's "feminine" to be vegan, or its unhealthy. That's fine, to each their own, but I ask you be respectful in my journey, especially since I put so much of myself out there through this blog. I hope that this decision can inspire others to make changes not only in fitness and health, but whatever aspect of your life that you feel is slowly killing you as well.